Skating on Thin Ice

News Item:

PITTSBURGH, March 20 --- Two separate power outages at the Mellon Arena combined to delay last night's game between the Pittsburgh Penguins and the Toronto Maple Leafs for about 45 minutes.

Penguins President and CEO Ken Sawyer said it isn't the first time that power outages have struck the 44-year-old facility. "My first thought was, we need a new arena," he said during a hastily-called press conference.

The crowd of more than 15,000 fans apparently thought the same thing. Many began chanting, "new arena, new arena," during the blackout.

The Penguins took the opportunity to show a video on the "Jumbotron" scoreboard that promotes their plan to build a new arena, if they and a casino operator are awarded the license for a new slot-machine parlor. (Tribune-Review, Post-Gazette)

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PITTSBURGH, April 8 --- Penguins President and CEO Ken Sawyer revealed today that the wastebaskets in the men's room near Gate D at Mellon Arena are "filled to nearly the top."

What's more, Sawyer said, the paper towel dispensers in the aging, 44-year-old arena are "dangerously close to running out."

"We're starting to see that red ink line down the one side of the roll," Sawyer said. "If we lose that, then people will be forced to wipe their damp hands on their pants."

He and other Penguins officials repeated their call for the arena to be replaced with a new, modern facility with additional luxury boxes, "empty waste baskets and more paper towels."

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PITTSBURGH, April 15 --- The Pittsburgh Penguins today announced that no more half-and-half remains in the break room at the team's marketing office.

At a hastily called press conference, Penguins President and CEO Ken Sawyer told reporters that attempts to replace the liquid --- a mixture of whole milk and cream --- with powdered non-dairy sweetener would be "unproductive."

"One of the reasons we use half-and-half and not 'Coffee-Mate' or 'Cremora' is that it cools, as well as lightens, the coffee," Sawyer said.

He and other Penguins officials said the lack of appropriate coffee-creaming liquids were yet another sign that the decrepit 44-year-old Mellon Arena must be replaced.

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SEWICKLEY, May 20 --- Pittsburgh Penguins President and CEO Ken Sawyer announced today that the team must purchase a new company car for him because the old one, in his words, "no longer meets my needs."

"The ash trays are full," he said, during a hastily-called press conference at an Audi dealership in Sewickley. "I don't smoke, but I do throw little bits of paper, gum wrappers, peanut shells, and things like that into them."

Sawyer said the full ash trays were yet another sign that his aging, three-year-old Audi Q7 "must be replaced."

He and other team officials are hoping that the Penguins will be awarded a casino slots license to fund the purchase of a new SUV, along with a replacement for the filthy, sewage-strewn 44-year-old Mellon Arena.

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TORONTO, June 5 --- During a hastily-called press conference at the office of a Toronto pediatrician, Pittsburgh Penguins President and CEO Ken Sawyer announced that he was calling on his brother and sister-and-law to trade in his rapidly-aging 5-year-old nephew, Skip.

Sawyer said he made the "reluctant" decision after Skip came down with what doctors at the clinic called "a runny nose."

"There is no known estimate for when, if ever, Skip's nose will stop dripping," Sawyer said. "While we have enjoyed Skip over the years, it is time to replace him with a child who will not be wiping his nose on his sleeves all of the time."

Penguins officials are hopeful that the team will be awarded a slots license to pay for the adoption of a new child; as well as a replacement for the doomed 44-year-old Mellon Arena. The team says the arena was built over an ancient Indian burial mound and must be destroyed to quiet the tortured screams of spirits from the great beyond.