In Friday's Almanac, we incorrectly reported that Kelsey Grammer had starred in a movie remake of McHale's Navy.
Hundreds of angry Tom Arnold fans have written to inform us that the former Mr. Roseanne Barr starred in the 1997 box-office bomb McHale's Navy.
They suggest that the editor was confusing that cinematic classic with another film flop, Down Periscope, starring Kelsey Grammer.
(Incidentally, the software used by Tube City Almanac keeps rejecting the name "Kelsey Grammer" as obscene for reasons known only to the little elves that wrote it.)
We would like to extend our sincere and heartfelt apologies to everyone upset by this terrible and disgusting error which inadvertantly confused two of the monumental motion pictures of the 1990s. Those responsible have been forced by Old Leadbottom to scrub barnacles in Taratupa.
Also, the entire staff and mismanagement of the Almanac would like to wish a Happy Mother's Day to all of you mothers.
I'm always nervous about writing about colleges and universities, because I know where I get my meal ticket. For instance, I would never, never write what Bob Braughler wrote this week about UPMC, or as I call it, "Choose a health plan as if your job depended on it." God bless UPMC, I say.
To paraphrase Nathan Hale (or maybe it was Nathan Lane), "I only regret I have but one life to give for my deductible." Come to think of it, maybe it was McHale's Navy. (The good one, with Ernest Borgnine, not the one with what's his face.)
To make a long story short, and I usually don't, I don't like to write about colleges or universities without a prominent disclaimer that opinions expressed at Tube City Almanac are not those of my employers or any organization with which I happen to be affiliated, and may not be reproduced without express written permission of the Pittsburgh Pirates and Major League Baseball.
I'm glad the trend of taking mediocre 1960s TV sitcoms and making terrible feature films has ended. Now they're just taking mediocre 1960s TV cartoons and making terrible feature films from them. I mean, a live action Underdog? Wally Cox would just plotz.
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Let's start over: I don't like to write about colleges or universities (Editor's Note: Don't go through all that again, please.), but I notice that Chatham College is now Chatham University. "We are You" (get it?) goes the new slogan. Chatham used to be Pennsylvania College for Women. First they took out the "Women" (and you thought guys from Carnegie Mellon took out Chatham women, ha ha!) and now they've taken out the "College."
Chatham joins Point Park University (motto: "Quality education just a bus transfer away"), Robert Morris University ("Home of the Fighting CPAs Colonials"), Carlow University ("Just as Catholic as Duquesne, so nyahh") and Seton Hill University ("Hill, not Hall!") in changing from colleges to universities.
As I understand it, calling yourself a "university" instead of a "college" signifies that you offer graduate degrees, and it's somewhat more prestigious than being a "college." Also, in some foreign countries, the word "college" doesn't necessarily signify post-secondary education. Chatham College would be at a real disadvantage if financial aid officers in Belize won't give students financial aid because they think it's a glorified high school.
I can understand the need for money, but I remember when other countries wanted American dollars, not the other way around. Why, you could go to the movies with a nickel and have change to buy a loaf of bread and a new Buick! (Editor's note: You're off the track again.)
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Sorry about that: How did the word "college" fall into disrepute? If the word "college" wasn't "prestigious," institutions of higher learning like Dartmouth College, Wellesley College, the College of William & Mary and Community College of Allegheny County would all be changing their names, too.
Frankly, I don't think "Community University of Allegheny County" has the same ring to it. No one wants to call the ivy-covered pre-stressed concrete walls in West Mifflin "CUAC," which sounds like a committee that investigated Communists in the 1950s, or the noise that a Communist duck makes.
I'm worried this trend won't end with colleges, either. The Massachusetts Institute of Technology might change its name to the Massachusetts University of Technology and make MIT a MUT. That would amuse the people at Harvard, but they're smug enough as it is.
I suppose this could be a plot to make alumni buy new T-shirts, stickers, beer steins, etc., with the updated name. Occasional Almanac contributor Officer Jim snagged two of the last "Penn State McKeesport" baseball caps when that institution changed from PSM to PSGA, which incidentally is also the name of a mountain in North Carolina.
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I guess if increased sales of swag keep the tuition down, I'm all for it.
Otherwise, I'm for leaving well enough alone. It's the old "College Try," not the "University Try." Kay Kyser didn't run the University of Musical Knowledge. Bonzo went to college after he worked with Ronald Reagan (he came out a raving liberal, to the Gipper's dismay), and so did Andy Hardy and Blondie and Dagwood.
(Francis the Talking Mule went to West Point, and I think Ma and Pa Kettle went to graduate school.)
This has been a Tube City Almanac editorial. Responsible replies are unlikely.
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In Other News: With all of the serious issues facing Our Fair City, it's nice to see resident Beatrice Longo is zeroing in on the most critical of them all ... city council has been opening meetings with a prayer. She wants them to knock it off. Eric Slagle has details in the Post-Gazette.
Like a certain failed Democratic presidential candidate, I happen to be a card-carrying member of the ACLU, but please. If anyone could use a prayer or two, it's our local officials. The next time they're sitting up there on the platform listening to nonsense from people who need to find a hobby besides complaining, I'd recommend the Serenity Prayer.
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To Do This Weekend: Here's a great gift for mom ... McKeesport Little Theater, Coursin and Bailey avenues, presents the classic comedy Arsenic and Old Lace at 8 p.m. Friday and Saturday and 2 p.m. Sunday. Call (412) 673-1100.
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Correction, Not Perfection: This Almanac originally reported that Kelsey Grammer starred in the movie remake of McHale's Navy. It was Tom Arnold. Grammer starred in the equally terrible naval-themed movie, Down Periscope. We regret the error. Those responsible have been sacked.
I'm too busy to write an Almanac right now, which is bugging me, because I'd really like to write about the "Act 1" taxes that voters in most Mon-Yough area school districts are supposed to vote on next week. Act 1 would allow school districts to raise their wage taxes in order to lower property taxes. (Eventually, as I understand it, the higher tax rates are supposed to be phased out in favor of revenue from the state's slot machine casinos.)
It seems like a big fat boondoggle to me. The law allows districts to enact not just higher wage taxes but "personal income taxes." I think that would cover not just "earned income" but also income from dividends, lottery winnings, savings-account interest --- basically, any income you have to report to the IRS on your federal tax form.
If you're in one of those districts and your neighbors vote for Act 1 next week, get ready to pay more, not less, in school taxes. According to the figures that were in the Daily News this week (none of the stories or editorials are online), most taxpayers are going to take it in the shorts. In some districts, if you make more than about $26,000 per year, you're getting hosed.
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You'll also have to fill out another lengthy tax form each year, which means school districts will pay more to process tax collections. If I didn't know better, I'd say this legislation is designed to benefit private tax collection companies like Berkheimer, Keystone Municipal Collections, Legal Tax Service, Pennsylvania Municipal Service, etc. I suspect many school districts that currently process their own wage and property taxes are going to throw up their hands and hire one of those companies.
The Rendell administration rammed Act 1 to us on the grounds that it would lower property taxes on the elderly and people on fixed incomes. But it seems to me that senior citizens are often living on savings and investments, which aren't currently taxed by school boards because they're not "earned income."
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If their school districts impose personal income taxes, the cries are going to be loud and shrill. Effigy sales will be up 300 percent in parts of Western Pennsylvania, and boiling kettles of oil will appear on the lawns of some local high schools.
So, I'm really curious to see what happens on Tuesday. It's an off-year, primary election, which means that only the real die-hards are going to go to the polls --- and that means mostly elderly and retired voters.
One would expect them to vote for any referendum that promises to lower their property taxes. But if they realize it might also take a bite out of their investments, then they'd probably vote no. On the other hand, how many people truly understand the legislation? I'm not even sure I'm explaining it correctly.
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Ronald Reagan famously said that the scariest words in the English language were "I'm from the government, and I'm here to help." I'm firmly convinced that the Gipper was correct, at least when it comes to the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.
It seems to me that Act 1 is a Hobson's choice at best, and a fraud at worst. If you're among the 20 or 30 percent of registered voters who go to the polls on Tuesday, you're voting on whether you'd rather be murdered or commit suicide.
Anyway, that's what I'd write if I had time to write.
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Trash Talk: And if I had time to write, I'd also mention that Our Fair City is going to crack down on people who aren't paying their garbage collection bills. (Jen Vertullo story from the News, subscribers-only link.) If you don't pay, the city is going to stop collecting your garbage.
I understand the sentiment, but a high percentage of properties in the city are rented to low-income families, which is one of the things that's already destroying many neighborhoods. (According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 3,862 of McKeesport's 11,119 housing units are rentals, or 34 percent.)
In many cases, I suspect the landlords are supposed to be paying the garbage fees, and either live out of state or are hiding behind real estate investment trusts. Most of them can't be bothered to cut the grass or maintain their properties now. When the city stops collecting the garbage, it will either sit on the curb and rot, or else tenants will throw it in the back yard or dump it illegally.
With due respect to Mayor Brewster and city council, how is this going to make McKeesport a nicer place to live?
I don't know how the city can easily punish deadbeat landlords ("slumlords" is more like it) but stopping garbage collection will only accelerate the decline of neighborhoods that are already suffering along Versailles Avenue, Jenny Lind Street, Evans Avenue, Shaw Avenue and elsewhere.
This seems like a well-intentioned proposal that's will backfire spectacularly. Kind of like Act 1, now that I think of it.
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Like I said, I don't have time to write today. But if I did, those are the kinds of things I would write about.
Today's headline is almost a "Carnac the Magnificent" punchline. "Crab, crab, crab, crab." (Rip! Blows into envelope.) "What are four things likely to be found in Paris Hilton's underpants?" (Ed: "Heigh-yo!")
Sorry, I'm in a crabby mood, so here are a few things that are bugging me, and I'll column as I see 'em:
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Nobody Asked Me, But: Two criminal justice majors from California University of Pennsylvania (aka "Harvard-on-The-Mon") got into an argument Friday night in McMonagle's Pub in downtown California. One of them pulled a gun and plugged the other in the knee.
Naturally, they're both from the Mon-Yough area. (The shooter's from Turtle Creek, the shootee is from Elizabeth.)
If you're a criminal justice major and you shoot one of the other students, I think you should automatically fail, but I could be wrong.
By the way, finals started today at Cal U. Will the prof give the suspect an extension? "Sorry I couldn't take the test, Dr. Smith, but I was on the lam."
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Continuing Decline of Newspapers Dept., Part MXLVII: Love him or hate him, James Lileks is undoubtedly one of the few writers at the Minneapolis Star Tribune who has a national following, largely on the basis of his extensive website, daily online journal, and several books about pop culture. (He happens to be a favorite here at Tube City Omnimedia World Headquarters ... though I don't share his politics, he makes me think.)
Naturally, the Strib has decided to promote Lileks' website and capitalize on his notoriety by recruiting him to help expand its online presence.
Ha ha! No! Because it's a newspaper, you see, and your average newspaper spends a great deal of time shooting off its own toes. Instead of leveraging Lileks' following for the good of the newspaper, as Lileks reports today, the Strib has canceled his daily column and demoted him to a general assignment reporter.
They also say that maybe since he knows something about these Interweb tubes that he can write about "dot-com startups."
("Dot-com startups"? Star Tribune, your table in 1996 is ready.)
Is this a punitive measure, designed to slap down Lileks because he's gotten too big for his britches? Is the Star Tribune, which was recently sold to a venture capitalist, just trying to cut costs and staff? Or are the editors that clueless? Well, it's a newspaper, so pick any two.
The biggest enemy of the newspaper industry is not "Craigslist," alt-weeklies, TV news, or any other influence --- it's newspapers themselves.
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Cat Calling: An Alert Reader who does not want to be named read last week's Almanac about the animal control controversy in Versailles. She works with animals, but would prefer that I not say where, and writes:
(Cats) do not have "rights," especially if they don't have tags. A Pennsylvania dog law exists, but there is no such thing for kitties. And unfortunately, it is legal to euthanize a cat immediately after trapping.
It's also a bad idea for one to allow his or her cat to be an outdoor cat. They can not only be victim to the "dog catcher" (animal control) but also to predators, cars, other cats, and diseases ... not to mention the outcomes if cats are not spayed/neutered.
Yes ... all animals should have tags! I really hope that your readers take your statement to heart if they are one of those folks who feel that animal control will never pick up their animal or that their animal will never get loose or lost.
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