Tube City Almanac

February 02, 2011

Local 'Seer of Seers' Goes to Bed Hungover

(General Nonsense)

While the world's attention was focused on Punxsutawney, Pa., this morning, another furry prognosticator two hours to the southwest was also making predictions at sunrise.

The mysterious raccoon known only as "Port Vue Pete" emerged from his borough this morning and predicted "six more days of Super Bowl hype." Then he went to bed, hungover.

Tube City Almanac first documented Pete's legend in 2007, and since then has been the exclusive source of Pete's prognostications.

This morning, only the Almanac's reporter and photographer were on hand for Pete's appearance in a backyard off of Romine Avenue. Clad in a South Allegheny baseball cap and wearing dark glasses to protect his eyes against the glare of the early morning sun, Pete was carrying a nearly empty bottle of blended Scotch whisky.

"I found it in the Dumpster behind the Spotlight Lounge," Pete said. "I found a half-eaten meatball hoagie, too."

Pete told the Almanac that unlike the groundhog Punxsutawney Phil, he doesn't have to wake up at sunrise to deliver his predictions. "I'm still up from the night before," he said.

Told that Phil had predicted an early spring, Pete laughed. "Yeah?" he said. "When that smelly rat is freezing his fat buns tonight, he should burn his press clippings for warmth."

Pete, 14, whose full name is Peter Prolotor ("it was changed at Ellis Island from Procyonlotor") said he doesn't bother predicting the weather. "You want a forecast?" he said. "Go talk to Dennis Bowman. I ain't got time for that."

Instead, Pete predicted that Pittsburgh media would remain obsessed with Super Bowl arcana until Sunday, and delivered his prognostication in rhyme form:

The black-and-gold's in Texas,
And we are gonna see
About a million minutes
Of non-news on TV.

They'll visit Steelers sports bars,
From Paris to Peru,
And talk to rowdy patrons,
Who haven't got a clue.

They'll track Ben Roethlisberger,
From press tent to press tent,
And whenever Hines Ward blows his nose,
It'll be a news event.

It's just another ball game,
And it's over-hyped to me,
But since you want predictions,
I say "Steelers win by 3."

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