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Some of you know that I retired the sleek, gray Mercury recently after more than 163,000 mostly painless miles. The old girl was starting to seriously show her age and there was some doubt about her ability to get us to where we needed to go.

She has now retired to that happy place where big, old American cars run and play. "I'm sure she'll make some taxi driver in Tijuana very happy," I told the car salesman. "Qatar," he said.

"Pardon me?" I said.

"Qatar. Or the UAE. Most of those old big rear-wheel drive sedans end up in the Middle East. Gas is cheap and they don't need front-wheel drive, because it never snows."

. . .

I traded the sleek, gray Mercury in on another Ford Motor Co. product. The dealership arranged financing --- at a lower percentage rate than even our credit union could provide --- through a certain large, national bank. I won't mention its name, but it rhymes with Bells Blargo.

The first payment was due in April. The second payment was due in May --- May 13, to be specific --- so I set up "automatic loan payments" on the Bells Blargo website. But May 13 came and went and Bells Blargo didn't deduct the payment.

I checked with my credit union. There was money in my account, but Bells Blargo didn't take the money. I tried to make a manual payment on the Bells Blargo website. "WARNING!" it said. "You have already set up automatic payments."

I waited a few more days, then logged back into the Bells Blargo website. It still hadn't deducted the money from my account, but there was a new message: "If we do not receive a payment by May 23, you will be charged $4.95 in late fees."

Again, I attempted to make a loan payment. "WARNING!" the website said. "You have already set up automatic payments."

. . .

Today (May 23) I called Bells Blargo. After navigating their "push 1 for English, enter your account number, enter your Social Security number" system, I spoke to a real, live human being. At least I think she was; it might have been a brick wall.

"When are you going to deduct the payment?" I said.

"June 13," she replied.

"But a payment was due on May 13. I set up automatic loan payments, and Bells Blargo never took my money."

"That's correct," she said. "You set up automatic loan payments on May 3. We need seven to 10 days to begin the automatic loan payment."

. . .

I counted on my fingers. "May 3, plus 10 days, is May 13," I said. "Why didn't you deduct the payment on May 13?"

"Because, sir, we need seven to 10 days to begin the automatic loan payment," she said, much as you would instruct a toddler who'd just crayoned on the wall.

"I know," I said, counting my fingers again. "May 3, plus 10 days, is May 13. It's now May 22, so you've had another whole week to begin automatic loan payments. Why haven't you?"

"We will be deducting a payment on June 13," she said. "We need seven to 10 days to begin processing automatic loan payments. We have many people trying to set up automatic loan payments, sir. It takes us seven to 10 days."

(Does anyone really believe it takes seven to 10 days for Wells ... I mean, Bells Blargo ... to begin deducting money from your checking account? Anyone? Bueller?)

. . .

"Your system is broken, then," I said, "because I gave you seven to 10 days, and you didn't process the payment. And when I tried to make another payment on your website, it stopped me."

"You had a payment due on May 13, sir," she informed me. "You didn't give us enough time to ..."

"OK, fine," I said, stopping her. "So I need to make another payment manually, is that correct?"

"That is correct, sir," she said. "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No," I said. "You haven't done anything for me. So thanks anyway." And I arranged a separate payment to cover May.

. . .

I'll bet a lot of people get tricked just like this by Bells Blargo. And I'll bet a lot of people end up paying Bells Blargo that late fee. Bells Blargo had a $18.89 billion profit last year. That's a lot of $4.95 (and larger) late fees.

In 2008, Bells Blargo received $25 billion in so-called "bailout" money from federal taxpayers because the company had written so many bad mortgages --- many of which were government-insured. No one from Bells Blargo has ever been jailed for defrauding the government on those insured mortgages, although federal prosecutors did finally file suit last year.

Bells Blargo has also admitted that its Wachovia subsidiary has helped Mexican drug cartels launder money. They got their wrist slapped for that. Again, no one did prison time.

To quote Harry Shearer: "Nice people, doing nice things!" That's your friends at Bells Blargo, which Forbes magazine calls "The Bank That Works!" Sure it does!

On the positive side? I like my new car. It's no Bells Blargo wagon, but it would even get me to River City, Iowa, just fine.

. . .

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