Category: default || By jt3y

There are only 21 more shopping days until Xmas, or as James Lileks recently called it, the day that "we celebrate the birth of the Baby Claus Tree."

Many of our readers will be heading out to Century III or The Waterfront this weekend to make sure that the stockholders of Chase, Citibank and Capital One have a Very Merry First Quarter 2005; others, more in keeping with the high standards for which the Tube City Almanac is notably famous, will be doing their holiday shopping at the Pilot Truck Stop in Bentleyville and the Eastland Super Flea.

To make sure your holiday shopping trip is as safe, successful and stroke-free as possible, the cracked research and development team of Tube City Online, the Mon-Yough area's leading source of misinformation since 1995 (TM), has developed this list of helpful tips, based on long hours of consultation with a beer and a bag of taco chips:

1.) MAIL EARLY FOR CHRISTMAS. Christmastime is a busy mailing season at our local post offices, and long lines can be expected. Make sure to mail early for Christmas or Hanukkah. In addition, make sure that all of the items you want to ship are in boxes; taped closed; and have addresses on them before you get to the window. These may seem like obvious tips, but residents of the Mon-Yough area continue to observe postal customers breaking all of these rules. And if you get to the front of the line and pull out a Ziploc-brand plastic bag full of cookies and hand it to the postal clerk, saying "I want to mail these to my grandson, but I'm not sure what his address is," both the clerk and the people in line behind you are going to be plotting messy, painful ways to hurt you, and nothing spoils the Christmas season like being impaled on a giant lighted plastic candy cane.

2.) BE PREPARED AT THE BANK. In a similar vein, lines at banks and savings institutions are also heavy as people rush to cash in their Christmas clubs, withdraw money from their savings accounts, or beg for mercy. The half-hour wait in line is a perfect time to do things like filling out your withdrawal slips or endorsing checks, rather than standing there with your mouths hanging open, catching flies. Also, make sure you have an acceptable form of ID. A driver's license or state-issued photo ID is acceptable; the label in your underwear and your Rite Aid Thrifty Senior Card are not.

3.) COLD ENOUGH FOR YOU? It's a medical fact! Despite the cold weather, it is scientifically impossible for your jaw to freeze solid in typical Western Pennsylvania climatic conditions. And it's certainly unlikely inside a heated, well-lit Wal-Mart, Kmart or Target location! Therefore, if you're waiting in line at your local discount house, it is unnecessary for you to exercise your mouth by saying things like, "Boy, it's cold outside!" or "Gee, this store sure is busy!" to the other customers waiting in line with you! If you must, then please hang a sign around your neck that says "LOSER," so that we know not to get in line with you!

4.) GETTING THE BEST PRICE. According to Leading Retail Experts, the prices at large chains of department stores, electronics retailers and appliance dealers are set many months in advance by highly-paid experts with six-figure salaries who work in corporate office buildings far, far away. Therefore, if you don't like the cost of that "Hello Kitty" DVD player, please don't ask the clerk --- who is making $4.25 plus commission --- if they "can't do a little bit better on the price." They can't, and it just makes you look like a rube from the sticks.

5.) PRICING DO'S AND DON'T'S. DO --- Comparison shop. Often, store brands have the same features at a fraction of the cost of nationally-advertised brands. DON'T --- Stand in the middle of the darned aisle with your shopping cart, trying to decide if Food Club brand powdered sugar is as good as Domino powdered sugar. I will gladly give you the 11 cents' difference in price just to get you the heck out of my way.

6.) BE CAREFUL DRIVING. Driving in heavy traffic around a congested shopping area can be tricky. If you have more than three stuffed animals in the back window of your car and a sticker on your bumper that says "AAA 50-YEAR MEMBER," please consider asking your grandchildren to do your driving for you. Otherwise, try watching late-night cable TV for several nights before you go on your Christmas shopping trip; the language may shock you, but you're going to hear much worse yelled at you from the windows of passing cars as you drive through the parking lot of Southland Shopping Center at 5 mph with your turn signal on.

We here at the Almanac recognize that some of these tips may seem harsh and sarcastic, but believe me, we've been thinking much, much nastier things over the last week. And just think! There's three more weeks to go!

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On a serious note, Our Fair City may be forced to seek Act 47 distressed status if bonding agencies don't agree to a plan to refinance debt incurred by the previous mayoral administration, reports Pat Cloonan in The Daily News:

Tuesday night, McKeesport officials were optimistic about getting a good rating for restructuring city pension and capital improvement bonds.

Last night, Mayor James Brewster was more nervous than optimistic as news expected from Arthurs, Lestrange & Co. Inc. never materialized.

"We still do not have a definitive answer (whether) they're going to insure the plan," Brewster told McKeesport City Council last night. "That's a major problem, that's a significant problem. It changes our demeanor from one of optimism to one of crisis."

If McKeesport is unable to get a favorable bond credit rating, it may have to consider an option the mayor has tried to avoid: Act 47 distressed city status.

Keep your fingers crossed that Brewster can pull off the plan he's proposed, and that the bond agencies will go along with it. It sounds like a sane option: Under the plan, the city would take advantage of current low interest rates to retire two existing bond issues, wipe out a deficit, lower its debt service payments and fund $5 million in demolition and urban renewal projects.

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From the Tube City Almanac National Affairs Desk, Irony is Dead, Part 1:

An Alabama lawmaker who sought to ban gay marriages now wants to ban novels with gay characters from public libraries, including university libraries.

A bill by Rep. Gerald Allen, R-Cottondale, would prohibit the use of public funds for "the purchase of textbooks or library materials that recognize or promote homosexuality as an acceptable lifestyle." Allen said he filed the bill to protect children from the "homosexual agenda."

"Our culture, how we know it today, is under attack from every angle," Allen said in a press conference Tuesday.

Allen said that if his bill passes, novels with gay protagonists and college textbooks that suggest homosexuality is natural would have to be removed from library shelves and destroyed.

"I guess we dig a big hole and dump them in and bury them," he said. (The Birmingham News)

No, no, see, the traditional way to handle this is a book burning! Sheesh!

The next thing we have to do is tackle the problem of witchcraft. I'll bring the ropes and stakes!

Irony is Dead, Part II:

In God Wants You to Be Rich, bestselling author Paul Zane Pilzer provides an original, provocative view of how to accumulate wealth and why it is beneficial to all of humankind. A theology of economics, this book explores why God wants each of us to be rich in every way -- physically, emotionally, and financially -- and shows the way to prosperity, well-being, and peace of mind. (From the book jacket)

The next task for the Alabama state legislature, naturally, is to remove the following verses from the New Testament: Matthew 19:21 ("Jesus answered, 'If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me'"); Matthew 6:24 ("No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money"); and Proverbs 23:4 ("Do not wear yourself out to get rich; have the wisdom to show restraint").

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To Do This Weekend: The holiday train show continues at McKeesport Model Railroad Club tonight, Saturday afternoon and Sunday afternoon. Call (412) 664-LOCO or visit mktrains.org ... McKeesport's 19th annual Festival of Trees is open at the Jacob Woll Pavilion in Renziehausen Park. Hours are noon to 9 p.m. now through Sunday. Forty-two custom-decorated Christmas trees are on display ... Pittsburgh Jitterbug Club holds a swing dance at The Palisades at 7 p.m. on Saturday. Call (412) 678-6982 ... the McKeesport Hungarian Social Club, Walnut Street at 30th Avenue, holds a dance at 8:30 p.m. Saturday. Call (724) 864-0042.