Category: default || By jt3y

Editor's note: The following article from a news organization far in the future was recently discovered on a computer at Tube City Omnimedia's world headquarters just outside Our Fair City. Dr. Pica Pole, director of research for the laboratories division of Tube City Online, speculates that an unusually warm October, combined with the surprising 5-0 start of the Penn State Nittany Lions, caused a temporary fracture in the space-time continuum.

Dr. Pole is continuing to investigate the phenomenon with the help of what he calls "liberal application of Newton's theories of motion, Einstein's theories of relativity, and Glenlivet's theories of malting."

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Pirates end season with 20-3 home loss

By UPMC-Eat 'n Park-Gazette-Tribune Staff
Oct. 10, 2105

The Pittsburgh Pirates last night closed their 113th consecutive losing season with a 20-3 loss to the Havana Fidels at New Forbes Field.

An outstanding pitching performance by rookie robot phenom XDR-201-A, which gave up only 17 hits in seven innings, wasn't enough to overcome the Bucs' anemic hitting. Interim Manager Suzanne Rodriguez said that a new combination of steroids and mind-altering drugs prescribed to the Pirates' humanoid players by team physicians was to blame.

The start of the game was delayed for about two hours because of high ultraviolet radiation levels. The temperature at the surface of the infield was 43 degrees at the scheduled 7:05 p.m. start, but had dropped to a more manageable 32 when play began.

Though they ended the season at 75-107, Stewart McClatchy, managing general partner of the Pirates, said he was pleased with the progress the team had made this year.

"We have a very young team, including several experimental players," he said. "I also think Suzanne did an admirable job as the interim manager, especially considering the tragic circumstances under which she took over."

The previous manager, Herbert Delmark, was gunned down by crazed fans on July 13 during an exhibition game between the Pirates and Schenley High School. According to investigators from Halliburton, who currently police Pittsburgh under contract, the fans were angry after two fielding errors allowed Schenley to put runners on base.

A Halliburton jury later ruled the shooting "justified" because the Pirates have led the Eastern League in fielding errors since 2091. Schenley went on to win that game, 7-3.

McClatchy said next season is likely to be a "rebuilding year."

"We have some excellent clones nearly completed in the laboratory, and our minor-league programmers say that they've greatly improved the AI in their most promising robots," he said. "Next year is going to be our best season yet. I only wish my Uncle Kevin had lived to see it."

Kevin McClatchy, who led a group that purchased the Pirates in 1996, was placed in suspended animation in 2065, after asking his doctors to revive him when the team won the World Series. A team of medical experts last year advised the McClatchy family to remove him from the machines, saying that freezer burn had caused irreversible cell damage.

Fans interviewed last night outside New Forbes Field said they couldn't share Stewart McClatchy's optimism.

"How long have we been hearing about this?" asked Farishta Salahuddin, 27, of Kandahar, Afghanistan, as she waited in line at one of the teleportation chambers near the Bouquet Street entrance to the ball park.

Salahuddin, like other fans, blamed McClatchy's partners and co-owners, the Nutting family of West Virginia, for keeping the Pirates payroll artificially low. "How can they expect to compete when they're only paying seven-and-a-half trillion per year?"

The Pirates' payroll, which is actually about $7.4 trillion, is the lowest of International Major League Baseball's 78 teams.

Asked about claims that the Nuttings, who own West Virginia's largest chain of mind-control rays, are unwilling to spend the money to make the Pirates competitive, McClatchy pointed out that the team's board of directors is obligated to make a profit for shareholders.

"That's one of the reasons why we were so glad to get New Forbes Field, and access the new revenue it provides," he said. "We are confident that with the new ball park, we're going to be competitive again within the next few years."

Yet the ball park, erected two years ago in Pittsburgh's Oakland neighborhood, also remains a point of controversy. Historic preservationists were angered by the destruction of Hillman Library for the ball park. Experts considered the building to be among the best remaining examples of 1960s architecture still standing.

Anger over the diversion of tax money to pay for New Forbes Field --- the seventh home of the Pirates since PNC Park closed in 2020 --- helped lead to the ouster of former Pittsburgh Mayor Cyril Costa-Flaherty.

"I feel good about our prospects for next season," McClatchy said. "I think our young players continue to get better. Those who are organic have a lot of room for improvement, and as for those that are mechanical, we'll disassemble those that aren't working out, save the parts that we can, and move forward from there. We're as committed and as hungry to win as we've ever been."