Category: default || By jt3y

I'm used to spammers having a limited grasp of English, but an email I received recently rose (?) to new levels:

From: Sjaak Abram
To: Romolo Spier
Subject: Re: opium Pharramacy

Hello, We acknowledge you for being our customer. Thus, we put wise you of information and renovates between whiles. Our records indicate that you may be in need of a refill.

We apologize and hope you will take a jaundiced view at medicaments we sell. Again, let us introduce our drugs at attractive prices which may be urgent needed. We also offer you impeccable customer care.

Sincerely Yours, Customer service department

Well, Sjaak, of course I'll take a jaundiced view of your medicaments, and I appreciate your acknowledgement.

Or, to put it another way, as a different spammer recently wrote to me: "czarina little and deoxyribose marinate for vet against."

No, I'm not against czarina little, or marinating vets in deoxyribose. Who could argue with either of those? As Mitzi Cohen, another spammer, told me, "help me Denisse Richards Sports CDC: West Nile in 1993 FINE." I'm not sure if Denise Richards ever helped Mitzi play sports with the CDC in the West Nile, or if West Nile Virus is helping Mitzi to stop Denise Richards from playing sports. Either way, I sure hope things worked out.

Why do these people send these mysterious messages? An email I received recently from denmark@convergentlaser.com may hold the answer: "The Internet is a gigantic place were millions and millions of people roam!!! As long as there is an Internet there will be a way for people to make money on it."

Truer words were never spoken, Denmark, but why do these people keep clogging up my email? Let's ask Galen Smiley, who wrote to me pitching low-cost home mortgages: "You bespoke to be imparted of knowledge of offers from either us or one of us partners, if you do not want to obtain extends from ourselves once again have the will to get hold of us here."

Well, if I'm the one who bespoke to be imparted of it, then I guess I have only myself to blame when you obtain extends to ourselves.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go bang a dictionary against my head until sentences start to make sense again.

Meanwhile, here's something for you to do to waste time (besides reading the Almanac, that is). It's a gallery of classic Christmas-themed television commercials from the '50s, '60s and '70s, including the memorable spot featuring Santa Claus riding down a snow-covered hill on the top of a Norelco electric razor. (A tip of the Tube City hard hat to "Drink at Work.")

And, from the useless trivia department, the Wikipedia entry about "A Charlie Brown Christmas," which notes that "the special has not been seen in its original, uncut form since its original telecast in 1965. The opening and closing credits contain references to Coca-Cola, the show's original sponsor. The main titles have Linus and Snoopy crashing into a Coca-Cola sign, while the final end credit mentions "Merry Christmas from your local Coca-Cola bottler."

I was at Compass Federal Savings Bank in Wilmerding last week, and the big plasma screen TV in the main banking room was playing "A Charlie Brown Christmas" on an endless loop.

As much as I love "Peanuts," and I do, I feel kind of sorry for the tellers. By Christmas, I figure they'll have Linus' monologue memorized, and they'll be ready to strangle him with his security blanket.