Category: Pointless Digressions, Politics || By

My car has something called Traction Control®, which ... well, let's let the owner's manual describe it:

The Traction Control® system ... is a driver aid which makes your vehicle easier to handle primarily on snow and ice covered roads.

Wheel spin sensors allow excess rear wheel spin to be detected by the Traction Control® portion of the anti-lock braking system (ABS) computer. Any excessive wheel spin is controlled by automatically applying and releasing the rear brakes in conjunction with engine torque reduction. Engine torque reduction is realized via the fully electronic spark and fuel injection systems.

. . .

Translated into English: When you're driving along and hit an icy spot, the wheel on ice doesn't go spinning out of control. Instead, the computer pulses the wheel on and off. Even if you stomp down on the gas pedal, the wheel won't start spinning; instead, the car will automatically slow down and creep forward.

You've probably seen the TV commercials where a luxury car stops on an ice-skating rink, then pulls out without spinning its wheels. Well, it's the same system, and it does work just like it does on TV if you're stuck in an ice- or snow-covered parking lot.

It doesn't work that well when you're halfway up Pittsburgh-McKeesport Boulevard near the old Bettis Lounge and one of the wheels detects a little bit of snow.

Then you stomp on the gas to get out of the snow, and the engine throttles down. So you feed a little more gas, and the engine throttles down some more. And you stop dead in the middle of the hill, in the snow. What say you, owner's manual?

If you should become stuck in snow or ice or on a very slippery road surface, try switching the Traction Control® system off.

Yeah. And they put that "off" switch in a really convenient place. In the glove box. Where it's really easy to get to in an emergency.

As for the guy behind me, I don't know exactly what you said, but I don't think you even know my mother.

. . .

From the National Politics Desk: Over on the right is a cartoon from the British magazine Private Eye.

Yeah, it's sick, and it's in bad taste.

But you know you laughed. Admit it. I laughed so hard that milk came out of my nose, and I wasn't drinking milk at the time.

Also, I have a lot of respect for John McCain, but this made me laugh, too. It's a parody of the Obama video.

And finally, Gov. Rendell, please be quiet. As I've said before, I don't how he got the reputation for being so glib. He seems to like the taste of his own feet.

. . .

Milk of Human Kindness Dept., Part I: Munhall's answer to Westbrook Pegler, columnist Earle Wittpenn of the Valley Mirror, asks in the current issue (not online) about the "thousands" of Russian immigrants who emigrated to the United States after the fall of the Soviet Union.

"Some of them are quartered in the Homestead High-Rise (Apartments)," Wittpenn says. "How many of them applied for citizenship? Are they part of our work force? Or did we simply add them to our welfare rolls? Good questions!"

Yeah, Earle! It's a shame you doesn't know any newspaper writers --- or even former editors of the Homestead Daily Messenger and Valley Mirror --- who could do some research by calling and asking ... oh, wait a minute ... never mind.

. . .

Milk of Human Kindness Dept., Part II: A Canonsburg man writes to One of America's Great Newspapers:

I read about Gov. Ed Rendell's plan to spur the Pennsylvania economy, most notably his intention to provide low-income families with a $400 one-time rebate ("Rendell Budget Has Tax Rebate for Poorer Families," Feb. 5). His reasoning is that although these families are exempt from state income tax, they have been hit hardest by increases in fuel, medical care and food costs.

What he fails to mention is that under most circumstances, they are eligible for Medicaid, food stamps, including special allowances for clothing, car purchases and repairs, along with day-care subsidies, Low Income Home Energy Assistance grants and a federal earned income tax refund, which can be substantial depending on the number of dependents.

Yeah! And orphans don't have to send Mother's Day cards and Father's Day cards! And how about people who get their legs blown off by land mines --- they don't have to buy shoes! Those lucky duckies!

You tell 'em, Canonsburg guy! I hope you wrote a similar letter to this bleeding heart hippie, too.